Glutter

Operation California

This is the garden that inspired me to use rocks on our hill for our cactus garden. It's in the old South West Museum in Mount Washington in LA. I happened to be looking at it when the volunteer who made the garden was there, and he told me it took 12 years for it to grow to look like this! He also made Pieter and I decide to use as much materials from our land for our home as (i think his name is Arthur) was saying that he didn't want to import different materials into the landscape.

There are other cactus gardens in Los Angeles area that I still need to visit, as well as things like the Joshua Tree National Park. I have always loved cactus, and being here makes them so much more "real" than in the tiny pots I had seen them previously.

I heard Martin Lee on the radio yesterday. I sat in the parked car in hot LA sun to listen to the whole interview. It struck me that in the quiet of America, there is no Chinese Propaganda. There is no hoopla about the reunification, nothing exploding in the sky to commemorate the special day, no national glory -only the reasons why the Hong Kong legislators do not have power, how we got 62% of the votes yet only 40% of the seats. How they can vote on governmental bills but not policy. How in order to ensure Hong Kong gets to keep it's freedom is through universal suffrage.

It was strange -I never heard those words out of context of what was going on around me. Hong Kong felt so small, fitted in with another hundreds of new stories that circulate through the NPR (National Public Radio) though the months I have been here. It is not front and center. Just another story of social justice around the world, in between global warming stories of Polynesia, mental health issues of returning US soldiers, women trying to make a business in Africa. My home seems small, when it used to feel like the biggest city in the world.

In my pottery class, there is a man from Tel Aviv, my teacher is Armenian who came to America during the Soviet times, a program by one of the Jewish centers to help Jews leave communist countries. We each have our stories of where home is, what is going on there, and the struggles of the people left behind.

It all seems very far away, not immediate but bombs do go off, rights get taken away, and people are very poor and electricity isn't always there. But it doesn't compute completely, because we're all sitting in a quiet room making pottery.

I think that's what America does to you. It's so big, even in a city like LA, we all own our house, we have our very small lives, and we live it. We're thinking of getting a dog, we're talking about how we might have a family one day, we're getting shade trees from LA county for free because it will reduce electricity use, as it will keep the house cool.

But sometimes I think of Hong Kong, and democracy. I think how strange that every time I sit in a room here, if I say that "I think Hong Kong people should get to rule themselves, I think that Chinese people should have democracy." No one, practically no one will disagree. And it's not really out of ignorance, it's not because president Bush feels that the country should spread the tenants of American government to the rest of the world that makes most people feel that way.

They feel that way because they live the benefits of a stable government every day. Many many people in LA comes from somewhere that is politically unstable. Where regimes changes, and people fight. Here they feel empowered to do something if they don't like the policy. They can lobby their congress representatives, write letters, and vote -if they choose to, they can also do absolutely nothing and still reap the benefits of being in America.

I have been going around saying "Free speech is not political, free speech is about getting to live every day life. It's about being able to explore the options and talking to people if they want about whatever that comes to mind."

We joke about California succeeding from the United states all the time. We are the world's eighth biggest economy, 30 cents of our federal tax dollars goes out of state to other places, every time the federal taxes comes into our lives, I give some money to the government and I don't know where it goes. I would like to think it goes to museums and schools, but who knows. And with the extra 30 cents maybe my nephews can have health care, and the lady down the street can have health care, and every body can have health care.

And the nice thing is, no one is accusing us of being unpatriotic, the FBI is not tapping my phone, this blog is not going to be banned in the United States, coz we talk about maybe California would be better off if it was it's own country. We're not buying guns and building up a military to fight the federal government, we're just talking about it.

But if you're in Hong Kong and you say Hong Kong should have universal suffrage, if we talk about being it's own country. That's being revolutionary, it's being radical, that's not being part of the "harmonious society." My blog is still banned in China, I probably won't be visiting for a good long while, and really no one in Hong Kong is looking to depose anyone, to take power from someone with anything but a legal and peaceful way.

My aunt woke up the other morning because Hu Jin Tao came to Hong Kong and she wanted to see his speech. i really didn't want to, and it took me a while to realize I have a hard time listenning to people who I don't know how they got to power.

I tried to work out how Hu Jin Tao came to power outside of the fact he worked up the party and Jiang Zimen liked him. I wondered if he had to depose anyone, did he get rid of someone in a back handed way to get where he is. I only know the official story and I don't have much faith in that. There is no one who will come out and discuss the unsavory things about Hu Jin Tao.

I don't know how the leaders in China really got to power and I never will.

I don't know if the stories of how they are doing a good job, how they are fair and good to be real or just propaganda.

I wonder if the vote of no confidence Blair had to take could possible happen so publicly in China without him going under house arrest, even if just to make sure he stays out of the way so he and his supporter can't engineer a coup to regain power.

I wonder how it is that China has never had an exchange of leaders who don't agree without blood, imprisonment, war or arrest.

A long time ago, before my grandmother died, she pointed to Bill Clinton shaking hands with George Bush the original as the democrats took over the white house and said, "Look at that, they are shaking hands... that would never happen in China."

I think maybe one day.

Maybe when you're so far away from home, you can actually think things that you cannot when you are there. You can think, I am not being counter-revolutionary, I am not being radical. I am not asking to depose the Chinese government. I just want the leaders to shake hands when they exchange power even if they don't agree. How bad can that be? You think that is a normal want, that people deserve to have a say, deserve to live in peace and not fear major changes.

I feel that what I believe in is no longer anything ridiculous or asking too much. I don't even think it's worth that much that I need to say. It's like the quiet makes things clearer, and you end up not shouting so loud. You just believe and hope and live your life.

Los Angesles.

In the public library: Unlike in China, they warn you that government agents can check everything I do on this computer...

In big letters: WARNING: Under the provision... also known as the US Patriot Act, the federal government can get access to these computers at any time by telling a judge that the information is relevant to an ongoing criminal investigation. They can retrieve anything you may have accessed and any search workds that you may have used, and they can use that information for prosecution even if you had nothing to do with the original investigation. Other than this warning, the law prohobits library staff from notifying users when government agents have come to look inti the usage of the computers."

How nice they have to ask a judge.... at least they have to do that. Wish they did that in Shanghai before I got my blog banned...

:)

I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and ready to write them. About the limitless possibilities of things to do in LA, the fact it is the sum of my parts, my realization where I got a lot of my quirky interests from. All the reasons this place feels like home. How much I have seen since I left here.

But all went away, when I went back to the place of my first job where I did a drama program at the boys and girls club in Monterey Park, and found my friend Frank there who was just a volenteer is now the program director. I haven't seen him for 14 years!! We look the same. Then had a few old friends call me up for a chat. And just now I finished looking at the Dr. Sun Yet Sun and the 1911 Guang Dong revolution exhibition that is in the library, where I saw photos of my neighbour hood in HK and realized it's significance in the end of the Qing dynasty. There were always placards here and there, and I always stop to look at them, but it's only in the context of the whole revolution outside of Hong Kong that it makes sense.

This is just one of those things that I like about the US. A random email run to the library means I just learnt a lot more about Sun Yat Sen and the 1911 Revolution. Of course I am sure this is written by a nice patriotic Tawanese immigrant, or some Patriotic Chinese American group, so it completely concentrates on Sun Yat Sen and don't mention the Communist revolution at all.

It's interesting to see the revolution in it's own context as I have always been taught, and seen that it is the lead up to the communist revolution. That Sun Yat Sen is the father of the modern China that paved the way for Mao. I do appreciate learning more about the actual revolution, although what I really need to do is read the Sun Yat Sen Biography that I have on my reading list to brush up on the history.

But what struck me, was the role of the US as well as Hong Kong in the revolution. That SYS spent a lot of time in the US raising money, and Hong Kong raising conciousness. That he was if anything an international person, a person of the Chinese diaspora.

..... This is modern day. I couldn't work out what the commotion was. I went to check it out and admist all the pre teens looking their my space page and playing video games. Some porn page had popped out. This is upsetting and exciting all the kids at once. They are looking at it through covered fingers, and distressed. So I had to get the Librarian to let her know, and she had to go turn the computer off.

I don't even know where to begin how ridiculous it is that, even in a library kids cannot be safe for porn. Not to mention it distresses me that my little nephews get spam messages for viagra with messages like, "Get your girlfriend HOT" or "Meet sexy girls" coming in on the text messages. I know because i have their phone. Not sure there is something I can do about it, but I really prefer that not popping up in the boy's phones. They aren't even teenagers. They are kids.

My 30 minutes is up. Goes fast.

It hasn't changed. Not really. The places I remember is still there, the buildings are pretty much the same. Except it's gotten nicer and the scary part of town is gone. That is not a bad thing.

We spent an hour driving from downtown all the way to Venice Beach, through Hollywood Bld, by the Oscar theatre, Chinese Mann Theatre (where all the footprints and hand prints are), then onto Sunset, where I was happy to see Book Soup still there, along with the Roxy then down through westwood by UCLA then into Venice Beach, where I walked by my old apartment and ate at my local pizza place. After that we went to Hollywood and had a drink in a funny bar called "Formosa" that is from the 20s and has Chinese decorations. I never would have gone, but nearly all the bars in Hollywood is close because of Thanksgiving. How strange. I would figure it's a big blow out night.

Actually all the "Changes" isn't so drastic. It's not like Hong Kong where whole neighbourhood gets destroyed and replaced by souless malls. Everything is still there, mostly, just a lot of the non descript things is replaced.

I spent a lot of time adding streets back into my mind map. Filling up the forgotten parts.

LA is a lot smaller than I remember. Maybe because I am older now and seen more cities. Compared to London and New York is seems not as vast and daunting.

I am pretty much proud of myself as I stayed up until 1:19am. But off to bed.

Yan

I am here. Back in what feels like an old life except as an adult. Downtown looks the same except the quality is different. All the empty buildings are being rennovated, and the whole city is being remodeled into a viable place rather than a third world country. It's still a ghost town in many ways. As of everything around us, only this apartment (an old rennovated bank) is occupied. I don't know this part of town well. So I still have no idea much of this new LA. But it does feel different. Like it's a city on the verge of being created. From what it was which was abandonned to something viable.

I am sorta here but I am not. Maybe I will ask Phil to drive me around tonight. Sunset? Santa Monica? West Hollywood? Just to see the places I know so I know I am here.

I can't believe I am over 30 and I am here. It's such a strange feeling. Like somehow I never really left. Hong Kong seems so far away, like part of it never even happened. Except I am still the same person as I was a day ago. But more relaxed. The rules here make more sense to me than what I have been living. People talk, interact. The waiter sits down at your table as he describes you the menu. You wave to him good bye and you know the next time you come by he will remember you and you will speak. The guy at the telephone shop offered me his old batteries, as he doesn't use them anymore and because I can't buy the same make anymore. Gave me his number, told me to call to remind him. I don't really know how to explain it. It's just LA. Or it's just how LA is to me. Good. Kind. Friendly. I am always amazed.

On the other hand my step mother is in hospital. I didn't know it until I was nearly on the plane. I can't really understand what that means as of now. Serious but not critical. I don't really know what that means. I feel somewhat disorientated, but also very happy to be home. It's going to take a while for me to understand all the things that is going on. I should go talk to my friend Phil, as we need to go pick up a turkey for the thanksgiving dinner he's organizing for friends... we are looking forward to see all the old people in our lives. A ten year reunion.

yan..

It's been a bit of a secret but actually I misplaced my passport and only just found it today. My last conversation with my mother, she kept saying, "You have your credit card? You have your passport?" and I kept saying, "Yes, mom. I do." When in fact, it was "Well, I know it's in my apartment and I have no idea where it is actually."

It was good when I found it because I was about to cry. I really had looked everywhere I thought it might be, and had no idea where it was. Except I didn't lift up a painting I made a while back, as behind it was a box filled with all the important documents. So I have my passport, my credit card, my ticket information, and now all I need is my clothes and important things I feel I need to bring with me.

That means packing.

And for some reason, I feel a bit paralyzed in doing so. In fact I have been somewhat nervous about organizing this trip.

When i first decided to go, that's all I can think of. I was so happy I was on my way. I was also soooo happy to finally decide I was going to law school and the courses I was going to take. I was so utterly happy that I was grinning to myself as I walked down the street and would giggle as i talked to my friends.

I was a happy happy girl.

Then somewhere along the line, I started to really enjoy my life in Hong Kong, and with a blink of an eye happened on a new life. New friends, new people to date, new schedule, new life. It's the life I always wanted with the kind of people I really enjoy. It just the right group of people at the right time, and each new relationship that was added to the mobile phone, made my life just that little bit fuller.

I believe every girl needs a few things in life:

a) One good girlfriend who you can tell everything to, and gives good advice

b) A few good girlfriends you have dinner with whom you can discuss the state of relationships, feelings on exes, your love life. Plus the ability to talk about wardrobe choices, where to buy, compare beauty treatments, and then switch gear to careers and politics.

c) One good wing man who vet your dates, give you hugs, give his perspective on men, and occasionally get into rousing arguments about whether Bush is stupid or not, what the liberals are doing wrong, and know good restaurants and get you in good clubs.

d) One fabulous gay friend who owns a black American express card and likes the finer things in life, so you can live vicariously through his credit rating.

e) A party omisexual (gay) friend who has good parties, knows everyone who thinks you're "lovely" and invite you his dos that are always fun and full of interesting characters like airport architects who is really impressed by your democratic leanings and handbag designers who went to the school next to you.

f) a bunch of interesting guys you think are cool, you might be friends with a few maybes

g) a sarcastic and dry guy friend to keep you on your painted toes, who makes you laugh and will share conversations about making documentaries and im you amusing anecdotes throughout the day

h) Someone who goes hiking and camping

i) A solid and happy married couple friend who you can go to for career and life advice.

j) a surf, skate buddy.

k) a good yoga instructor

l) a great photographer who doesn't yell and will pay you well to assist.

i: All of whom is always ready to send an SMS into your phone or an email on Tuesday to discuss the plans for the weekend
ii: You can call up anytime to see what they are doing
iii: Can have brunch with on Sundays
iiii: Know and feel comfortable that if shit hits the fan, they will allow you to turn up on their couch and use up a box of tissues

All of which I never had in Hong Kong, and surely not at the same time, which one morning I woke up and realized I now have. Which obliterated all the reasons that was pushing me out of town, and why I wasn't always happy.

So now, I sorta have a happy balanced life. Including a nice schedule with yoga classes and gym. Plus a new career change that i am most excited by. I feel a bit torn in leaving. I am actually NOT leaving right now, I am only going away for two months, but I also know that life flashes by and within two months things would be different, and people get closer or not, and when I return it will all bit not as I remember again.

I also know this might be the best time to jet and leave as I am on a high and all is well.

But it feels sad, as I am leaving. Maybe not exactly this very second as I will come and go, but I don't think I really feel I live here anymore. I am coming back for a visit on my way somewhere else.

I was thinking about what it means to be a home. And I thought how although I must have spent much less time in Milan than I had in London. I always felt Milan wasn't a just a visit, it was the start of a new home. I looked around the place as i saw it in terms of my life, where I fitted in, what I would like to do next time. I saw myself existing in that place, making a life, building friends and relationships. I thought about where I was going to school, whether I liked the place, and if there was any decent Chinese food. I looked for a place to see if I could get a Chinese maid, a nanny, a woman to help me run a house one day. I looked around at neighbourhoods to see which one I would like, and thought about the future. I had keys that were mine, a place that was mine to fix, a mobile phone number that would be mine on and off. I saw it with a far more critical eye, in terms of who I was. I didn't always like it, but I could see a life.

London on the other hand, always had a feel of transit. I was on the way somewhere. This was a base. it was where I was spending the summer before I went home to my school friends. it was the place I was visiting. I always saw London as a place that belonged to my friends. I watched their lives, and saw how they lived. I felt my relationship with it in terms of an outsider, a foreigner, tried to understand it for the time being. I didn't need a favorite neighbourhood or a season ticket for the ballet. I didn't have to remember how people dressed in certain parts of town so when I returned I could get it right. I didn't have to work out how to get there or where it was or that if i needed something that's where I needed to return.

I think the difference between a place and a home is whether you want to get to know it in terms of yourself.

When you visit a computer store or a mall, or a supermarket if it's a place that you are only travelling through, you only need the item on the list and then you are gone. If you plan to stay, you meander, you remember, you track and tack. You place invisible post its in your brain for a shop or an item, or person or a place. You try to remember its name, or how to get there or when it is a good interval to return or avoid completely. When i was in Milan I used to walk around the supermarket all the time. I can't remember what reason I had for it at the time, but in retrospect I realized it was because I was planning. If there was one thing I needed to know was what was available and what I could cook. I couldn't read the menus, and when my boyfriend wasn't around, I was on my own. And if i needed or wanted something exactly as I wanted, I had to make it myself. I couldn't find the right place to order it, or explain what I wanted. The only way was that I was to cook.

It's a very well know fact I don't really like Italian food. I hate Italian pizzas. The only thing I would want to eat for myself was the sandwiches in Rome. Sandwiches you can't get in Milan. I don't really like ice cream too much either, and if there is one place on earth that feels they don't need foreign cuisine, not interested in fusion, that is Milan. And all really I eat is fusion food, Californian vegetarian mush and shanghainese. The occasional burger, mushroom and steak pie, a kebab, or roast duck. None of which one can get in Italy, not even in Milan. There was one okay tapas restaurant in the neighbourhood, and that was it. And oh my god, no soy milk, not anywhere.

Mainly, now I think back to my twice daily trips to the supermarket in Milan, it was because I realized I was screwed. If I stayed there it would mean a death of the palate. It would mean all the great food that was a hop, step and jump from where I lived in Hong Kong would dissipate. The famous Chinese writer Shen Tong once was asked if he wanted to leave China, and he replied, "No, what would I eat?" I laughed like everyone else, and thought, "Yes, I know the feeling. Outside my shit relationship, it was probably the biggest reason not to live in Europe." I wanted to stick my hand out just to agree.

But you know, even if I thought exactly the same thing in London, it never bothered me. I didn't stare at products on a shelf feeling worried. I just thought my friends were crazy to stay that long, and was shocked at what they put up with as food. Which is why I have always liked Australia. There is soy milk everywhere, unimaginably good fusion cuisine, and fantastic Chinese and Asian food. I felt misty eyed when i saw tofu pock in the mall in the chichi noodle shop in downtown Sydney, because I knew no matter what -I know I would not starve. Laksa amd Lee Kum Kee (imported by my uncle I might like to add) at every supermarket shelf, including in non asian areas. I knew I could live in Sydney. But that's because I was looking.

And sometimes you don't even have to look. It's just so obvious. Like New York. I always felt like I could be there, live there, because without trying I was just there. I knew New York really well just by the feel. I would just wander and find what I wanted. I would discover cool little places my friends hadn't heard of. I would call them to meet me somewhere that they already knew. I never got too lost in New York, not least my their sensible street naming system. You could never go the wrong way too long, as the street numbers would straight away let on. If you're going 100 to 101 you know you're going north, if it's 4th to 3rd that's down. You can always work out exactly how far you are, and near which part of Manhattan you are standing at.

And with Hong Kong island it's even simpler. I don't even have to think. I know the exact location of the fridge for Ben and Jerrie's ice cream at the cause way bay Wellcome. I know which small street it is for a short cut. I can probably walk blindfolded through certain parts of the city, and know which camera shop has the cheapest Fuji film. I can look out at the sun and know what time it is, and feel exactly the day when summer is over. I can tell if something bad is happening in the news, just by the look of people's faces. The woman at the corner store knows exactly what brand of cigarettes I am going to buy, and which magazine I am looking for. I can think of somewhere to go all the time if given a minute. If I need something, I never have to ask because I know exactly where it is I can find it.

It's not like that when you are not home. You have to ask, and you have to try and you have to really look and remember.

I am a little bit nervous about going back to LA. I had a look at the MTA line. I realized this is not the LA I knew before. As I had no idea there was a train system that broad and wide. And once the transport system is put in, then the movement of people and places change accordingly. I don't even know what the weather is like in November. I can't really remember it. What did I wear in previous thanksgiving? What does one pack if you're invited to a desert party on the weekend. Will it be cold? Will the sun keep me warm as I remember it? I wonder what they have knocked down in the last few years. I worry I will hate all the changes they have made to my campus. Is the bike path still there? Will I be able to see the seals and the butterflies? I heard there was four storey car park. Is my little shrine my then boyfriend and I helped decorate in the forest still there? No doubt it's gone.

The weather is different in California and everywhere else. Not just Fahrenheit and Celsius. It's different because of the humidity and the open sun, 24 c means different things in different countries. 24 is cold in HK, but really hot in London, and cool in New York. It's probably 5pm in LA on a summer day because it always gets chilly in a desert at night. When I look at the numbers on the weather channel, I have to make sure I take into account of all the factors. If it's somewhere I don't know. It's just a guess work. If it's somewhere I call home, I can picture it in my head, and can figure out what it feels like on my skin. If it's somewhere I visit, I probably don't really know the answer.

And somewhere you call home. You always have a lot of people who can ask and you might even bump into them on the streets. When it's somewhere you are just travelling to, you don't know a soul except the few people you are visiting. There will never be any chance encounters. One never wonders if someone is near or there. I can never just pop by to see someone. When it's a place you know well, that is easy. You know where your friends hang out, or where they work, you know where they live. There are memories to the place. "Oh, that's where I met so and so the other day." "It's what's his name's favorite restaurant." "Yeah, remember the time we walked pass there just after that happened." There is no history, no memories, no expectations. One can't compare and contrast, talk about the time before or what it used to be. There are no funny stories, interesting events, or life changing moments.

You have to start making them the moment one arrives.

But then again, you have to do that all the time, every day, all the while, otherwise what's the point of living?

I am now ready to go pack.

yanxxx

Operation California

Tonight I just spent two hours sending over 1000 plus emails to friends, family and some contacts. 525 addresses in Yahoo address book, and 629 in the gmail. I am not sure exactly how and why I know so many people. I mean, I know it's a give and take some people through the years have had a few different emails, a few that's doubled up in the two accounts and then some people I don't really know, but ended up on my contact list because we were invited to the same parties. But really, I sorta calculated and I am pretty sure it was just over 1000.

My high school was just about 1200 people. Considering it's not like I am in email contact with everyone I know. I see that now, if I put everyone I actually have some contact with in one big hall, that's a lot of people. Given that I travelled a lot and lived in a few separate places, that Hong Kong is about the most transient city in the world, plus all the strays of people I met up while backpacking, not to mention my amazingly huge family, where my mom is the youngest of nine and my dad is the oldest of six plus the extended extended. That's still a lot of people to have in my brain, and know them by name. And yes, it's true. I know pretty much most people I meet by name.

So, I am really off. Having said I was "leaving Hong Kong" for most of the eight years I have actually been based here, I really am leaving because I have never once sent an email that alerted others to the fact I am going.

I don't really know what to say, except I love this city. I still live on the same street my great grandmother lived, so my family has been pretty much in the same corner of this place for four generations. There is LA and then there is Santa Cruz, California, Hamilton and Christchurch New Zealand. There was Utila in Honduras, Xela in Guatemala, Luang Prabang in Laos, a moment in Milan Italy, a bit of time in New York. All those places I have lived for a bit in terms of I had an address and keys or a relationship, a job, a mobile phone number, or rent paid. That's a lot of places, but Hong Kong is still home. Well half of home, as there is a bit of my heart that is always with Venice Beach, or Hollywood, or West LA. Then there is London, and San Francisco, Sydney, and Auckland, and DC all the places I have stayed, where I can still turn up anytime, where the city map is still in my head, and will have friends and family chuck keys at me for an extended stay. And in 2007 I will bump Sydney into the list of "homes."

The world is really big but it's really small. Everything is only 24 hours plane ride away plus a few more hours on a train or bus away. That's why I don't even feel like I am really leaving. It's like a hop, step, jump away.

Last night I dragged my old friend to the water front, right next to the Star Ferry, (Which my government is knocking down, which makes me want to run away. I hate them so much!) and sat and watched the sunrise. It was my last Saturday in Hong Kong for a while, the last of the weekend I officially "live here."

it seemed right, that I go with the Star Ferry. It's been the symbol of home for so long. Ever since I was old enough to take public transport, my busses home left from there. I am always there, it's just homebase.

I wanted to say more. But I am so tired. I guess I will have more time to reflect once I am in California. I hope to hear from some of my 1000 people friends. I hope they get into contact.

Good night.